Sledding, Slowing, and Seeing

This is sort of a different, but not really, post for me. I frequently ramble on about getting out of this miserable weather or how much I despise the cold and dark. Occasionally I talk about something happening in the lives of my children. I’ve decided that today I will relate an adventure instead of whining, discuss a few moments of joy in winter on a day when I’d give most anything for 50 degrees warmer than it is right now. Weird right?

A few weeks ago, before the bitter cold completely engulfed central Minnesota, I took my children outside in the cold. Three whole days. I really did. I pulled on snow-pants and tucked wool socks into boots and drove out for some winter fun. This is unusual for me, if you haven’t figured that out by now. I don’t go out in the cold, I stay in, tucked under a blanket with a mug of tea in my hand most afternoons from December until, oh I don’t know…June or so. But I did this thing in the hope that embracing the cold would help it to not suck quite so much, and it did! It really, really did.

On our first day out we went to the big sledding hill in town on a perfectly sunshine-y day. Since it was the middle of the day there were only a few other kids on the hill and my bigger two went down and up at least a million times. Smiles plastered to their sweet faces. The teeny made it down, but needed convincing, and assistance, in coming back up. Eventually she and I made it across to gaze out over the river and walk along the stone ledge, we followed squirrel tracks in the patches of otherwise undisturbed snow, and she squealed with delight as she zoomed down the smaller hill.

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The sky was a perfect blue and I couldn’t help but stare up and think to myself that if this were winter, actual winter, I could handle it. For a brief moment in time I thought that I might actually make it out of this winter alive and with my smile still on my face. This day was filled with joy and peace. We were happy, even in the cold.

The second day out was more of the same. Sledding on a different hill with equally beautiful weather and, this time, friends. The day was only marred by forgotten ice skates. There were treks into the deep snow, a birds nest at eye level, and kids full of kindness. I have seldom been more surprised by a winter day than I was this day. The sun shone and the thermostats rose above 40 degrees. It was blissful and I was so very grateful.

I held out hope that this would be the winter that I didn’t hide indoors, that this would be the winter when I would do the embracing of the cold that everyone believes will bring me wintertime happiness. And I did get one more day. I am thankful for that third day and the walk we took. Being able to go out with my kids on adventures is one of my very favorite things. They have no agenda, few preconceived notions about what the day will hold. They need only a water bottle and a few snacks to explore a new space.

I love this about them.

I really hope that their attitude for adventures does not change much in the coming years, and not just for my own ease and enjoyment. If they can continue to be easy going as we travel and explore then they will continue to see the best in situations that may be less than ideal. They will keep their eyes open, slowing down to notice the red berries, the cup-shaped leaf, the tiny piece of agate in the gravel. If they can travel easy they will travel far. If they travel far they will be filled with wonder all of the days of their lives and I can think of little else that would be worth more, to give to a child.

The way this world spins, the pace it sets, the hustle we are expected to display…it causes the lives of children to be devoid of wonder. The lives of us all. I will continue to work to slow my tiny little piece of this world, if only a fraction and if only for my short time here. I will wander river paths while littles stomp in the snow. I will haul teenies up snow-hills so we can stay out longer. I will remember to bring the damned skates next time.

I will not enjoy winter. I don’t have it in me really. If it’s below 25 degrees, I’m not going out. I’m just not. I will revel in moments though. I will soak in the apricity, even if I have to sit on my living room floor under the picture window to do so. I will snap photos of joy-filled faces in deep snow and of Christmas tree lights shrouded under a blanket of white. I will be present this year, not just begging for it to end, but noticing all that I can while I’m here. This is not really what I’ve been encouraged to do by so many well wishing friends and strangers, but it is the best I can do. If it happens to get above thirty again soon, I’ll be one of the first people out there hopping over puddles, pulling sleds through the streets, and staring at the clear, blue sky.

On one of the last warm winter nights my sweet husband lit a fire on the deck, we stood out with blankets around our shoulders and hats pulled low over our ears. The stars were out and the noise of the city was somehow hushed just a bit. It was almost as if someone wanted me to see what winter could be. How I could be a small part of something that I hold such contempt for. How there is good, even in what we view as bad, and that we really don’t understand it all anyway. The peace washed over and the fire burned down to embers, time slowed, if only for a moment.

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A Solstice Rambling

What keeps you here? I’d really like to know. As I sit this morning on the day with the least light available to me, the universe sees fit to roll clouds across my sky. I wonder again what keeps me here. I can rattle off a quick list; friends, family, homeschooling laws, summers in the woods, a job that pays the bills, the flowers in my garden…do all of those things outweigh the darkness though?

This is the question I’m sitting with on the darkest day of the year. Just typing those words makes me grab a copy of Robert Frost and reread his Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening. While there is no snow to speak of and the weather has been mild, the dark has been deep indeed. How can something as simple as darkness affect a person so intensely? The metaphors for light and dark are easy to type out. Though they have been reflected upon before, I feel I must get them out of my head and onto the page so that this part of me that fears the dark can move forward into the winter with some small semblance of peace.

As I face the Winter; the heavy darkness, I feel in me how quiet the dark actually is. There is growth in the light, this is true, but all things rest in the dark. Why should I be any different? As I sit this morning I am hoping to relearn that not only does my body need rest from the activity and excitement of Summer, but my mind needs a break from the busy as well. While I have slowed us down quite a bit this year, given myself much needed grace to move at my own pace,  I still fill up most of the waking hours with tasks and activities. I had hoped to still our schedule even more this Winter. The darkness will serve as a reminder that not all hours need be spent with work close at hand.

Furthermore, I must remember that in Minnesota, in the Winter, the night is not actually as dark as one might believe. As I wake to care for a teeny who couldn’t sleep and look out at the snow covered ground I can see as clearly as I could during the day. The lights of the city being held close to earth because of the dense clouds overhead make me feel as though the twilight will last all night long. Clear nights are even better. The moon and stars quite nearly blaze down on us as we sit ’round a cozy fire. It’s as if we are meant to see clearly the path before us, walking without fear of the darkness, being surefooted even in the night. If, that is, we are willing to be there at all, out there in the dark.

I had been fearing the dark a little. Knowing how the cold and depth of Winter affect my mental well-being I’ve been hoping for an opportunity to get away from this season. As I sit here on this solstice morning I am choosing to see the glory that could come from the darkness. The glowing good that is coming from the night. As I type, babies sleep late in their beds, the sun hides behind clouds and asks nothing of me. There are no plants to tend, no trails to wander, no far-flung adventures to be had…and that’s okay. Actually, it’s better than okay, it is good.

This quiet darkness affords me the time to be here, to be present in this place and time. More than that, the black and white of Winter allow me to plan, to plot, to explore ideas and thoughts, hopes and dreams, if not fields and forests. The bright night sky is much like a guiding light for adventures to come. I can choose to see it as such anyway. While I may still long for warm Summer nights spent away from home, I can also enjoy these days snuggled in close.

I ask again; what keeps you here? As you look ahead to the returning of the light, from this “the darkest night of the year”, what do you hope for? long for? need? The Christmas tree lights scatter and reflect in the windows bringing more light into the dark world. Giving me one more reason to be present in this moment, in this deepening night. Does the good of the light outweigh the fear of the dark? For me, for now, I believe it does. And maybe, just maybe, there is some good in the dark as well. Look for it with me would you?

Watch for it when the snow is deep, the night is dark and the woods are lovely yes, but perhaps a bit threatening. Look for it when you are far from peace or far from home, whether by choice or circumstance. Keep an eye out when there is no other sound in your head or your heart save the wind and the swirling snow. We need not be burdened by this night, by this Winter. We can use the stillness to reflect on, and set aside those things that are not helping us to grow. We can allow the cold to do it’s own work. We really can friends, and if we will allow it to do so we just might be ready to bloom in the seasons to come.

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Winter Bucket List

I recently ran across the bucket list that the kids made for last summer. It was full of all the standard stuff; splash pad trips, picnics, camp-outs. There were also some things clearly inspired by a momma who is happier on the run; climbing at Taylor’s Falls, exploring someplace we’ve never been, watching the stars. We really did a great job this past year of crossing a lot of great adventures off our list. I am so grateful to have had those opportunities and to have checked them off and more. I walked away full of happy memories, but later I began to wonder why I never make a Winter bucket list with the littles?

Well, I mean, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out. When you despise something as much as I hate the season of frozen darkness, why would you ever make big plans for that time? For some reason this thought stuck with me. I decided that I’d write it out, sort of a winter must-do list and I’ve decided to share it here with you. This isn’t exactly an inspired list, and you won’t find me trekking through snow drifts all too often because of it. It’s a good list for me though, and even just looking at it makes me smile big!

Here it is, my list of twelve winter must-do’s; enjoy!

Burn big fires on the deck in the snow as many nights as possible.                                     This lovely fire devolved into an awesome snowball fight for my sweet husband and two of the children, the teeny and I went inside to make pizza where it was warm and there was little chance of getting pelted with flying snow. Having fires on our deck brings joy to the people that I love and I love that we all stand out there together even when it’s thirty-three degrees outside.

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Let the littles sleep under the Christmas tree lights.                                                                While this photo is adorable, these children did not sleep here. The littlest had an absolute meltdown and her daddy had to tuck her into her cozy bed. The second child came in ten minutes after I laid down and told me he could not possibly sleep upstairs. Only the oldest of the three managed to sleep under the Christmas tree lights. Not only that, but momma had a meltdown for herself because, “Why can’t I just let them do a sweet thing and make a freaking memory for crying out loud?!”. One year I know that this will happen, clearly we are not there yet, but hopefully it really does happen someday.

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Go someplace new.                                                                                                                               I’m not sure where we will go…we lightly considered loading up and heading to Texas for a Johnnie’s playoff game this weekend. That would’ve been cool, but it was a little unrealistic with such short notice. I guess we’ll have to think of someplace else to head off to. Suggestions welcome!

Lay in the sunshine as it slants through the front windows.                                                The dog is an expert at this. When the children were smaller we would sit on the living room floor and enjoy our after lunch read aloud time. I can’t remember doing this since the teeny came along though. It is something that I really want to get back to. Seriously, if you can’t go outside because it is so cold the sun should at least shine down on you in your living room.

Actually go sledding.                                                                                                                          We have gone once this year, on a half inch of snow, like we were in Georgia and had never seen snow before. I don’t quite know how I got roped into this, but it was a good day outside in the frosty air. I would like the children to go actual sledding though, on deep snow, down the big hill in the park. They love it and with snow pants on it’s really not that bad. We have gone a few times, but not since the teeny could enjoy it, which means it’s been far too long. This is our year.

 

Read more books aloud.                                                                                                                     Because, well, why not?

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Keep the driveway shoveled.                                                                                                          A modifier for this one as well, I will insist that my children keep the driveway shoveled well. This may seem unfair or a little harsh to some of you, but really, these children have boundless energy, they tear around my house knocking things over, jumping on the sofa’s…they can totally shovel the driveway.

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Eat less junk food.                                                                                                                                Somehow we have become a family who eats far too many “snack” foods. I know this began with my lack of desire to make dinner in the summer and was magnified by camping-life, but it has gotten out of hand. I can’t handle it, my body starts to scream out at me when I eat so much sugary/salty/fatty food. It really does, I’m not exaggerating at all. So the snacks just need to stop. My family has been a little annoyed by this, questions like; “why are there no chips?!” may have been asked. I feel like soon they will have all adjusted and come back to the light side (where we don’t have cookies, but we also don’t feel like shit all of the time)…maybe.

Be overly-kind to as many people as possible.                                                                           I want to do things like; make the frazzled barista smile. Give candy canes to the cashier at Aldi. Take cookies to the librarians. We have practiced this for a few Advent seasons now, but this year I want to outdo myself. I hope to inspire my littles to go above and beyond with their kindnesses and to challenge myself to simply give. Even when I don’t feel like it or think that I won’t be able. We are so richly loved, I want to do more to share that love. We took out our Advent calendar today and filled the pockets with opportunities to “do” instead of “get”, it made me proud to watch the littles decide when we would complete each of the nice things. Watch out, we may just get you with our RACK’s this year!

Write many more words.                                                                                                                    I’ve talked about this at length. There are no necessary words here, I want to write and so I need to simply sit here with my laptop and write. I’ve managed to find a direction I want to go for now, a path I’d like to follow through the snow. We shall see how it goes.

Plant a pot of succulents, or craft a terrarium.                                                                           We did this last Winter. The pretty little succulent ended up dead, because of course. I put the sad, dead, terrarium out on the deck and, as there was a broken place in the jar, the rain got in and we ended up creating a swamp. This was a really cool thing to watch over the Summer months. I’d really like to keep a plant alive in a terrarium environment though. I feel like a succulent might be more realistic because I can provide more care and control while a terrarium is supposed to be planted and left to survive on it’s own. However the whole idea of a dessert type terrarium is a little overwhelming to me, so we’ll probably just get a nice little potted cactus.

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Play the radio more-even if the house is loud.                                                                          This is something I have always struggled with. Silly right? I love to have the children sharing my space, playing, singing, even arguing, but they are so loud all of the time that I never turn the radio on. It always seems like extra noise. No sooner than I flip on the volume, do two of my kids decide to have an epic Nerf battle or someone is melting down because her Lego creation was destroyed. I can’t handle it. The radio adds this extra layer of sound that makes me want to pull my hair out. I want to turn the music on, it will help my mental state to do so. I am determined to find a way to make this happen. Perhaps I’ll report back with progress as the season progresses.

Well, there you have it. While I wish this list said; ; “drive as far South as is possible while still remaining state side…”. I am pleased with it anyway. I may print the bullet points and post them on my fridge. Am I alone in making a Winter bucket list? What would you add to your own list of Winter fun-time activities? Let me know, maybe I’ve missed something that will provide that ever-elusive Winter-joy.

 

 

 

 

A Slower Fall

Here we go, or rather, there we went. All of the children doing all of the back to schooling. Even my unschooling group had a not-back-to-school day to get back into our cool-weather habit of gathering at the library every week. All of the activities have started back up, all of the money has been paid for all of the things that need to be paid for. We have attended the planning days and the parent nights (okay, I actually skipped most of those) and the orientations. I’m always a little sad this time of year because these happenings are a conscious reminder that Summer is coming to an end. This year I feel especially like I am not ready. And because I feel not ready, I have not done a lot of those “normal” things.

This Autumn I find myself grasping for the days, I am not ready to give up the time adventuring or even just the time outdoors to get back into our traditional Autumnal routine. Even as I write these words on what is likely the last warm Saturday of the year I am sitting on a patio, sun high in the sky, humidity frizzing my already wild hair. I could not drag myself into the library or a coffee shop for a few hours on such a Summery day. If you’ve been here awhile you’ll know that I simply must soak in the sun. It’s as if I am storing it deep in my bones for the coming winter.

Because I could not reconcile sitting inside for school yet, and because I can not yet force myself to think too deeply about the seasons to come, I have asked for grace. I have listened to myself more and better. I need to still be outside, regardless of if it’s cool-ish, or damp, or sweltering. I need to disappear into a central Minnesota state park for a day. I need to squeeze more adventures into my days, my Summer, my life. I have let go of some commitments, I have stepped back from things that I am passionate about. I have asked for flexibility from groups that I am still deeply involved with.

I feel a little selfish about this. While my children are perfectly happy not diving right into more full-time school, they would probably like to attend a few of the events and activities that I am choosing to skip for now. I have chosen to seek grace from them as well. A momma who heads into winter packed full of all that Summer (and even Autumn) can offer, is a better momma than the one they had last year. I am optimistically thinking that I can not be overburdened by the constant running, but rather that I can relish the days that are spent in the wildness of nature. If I can do that then I will be a better version of myself, perhaps a version who is slightly less miserable in January.

This is my hope.

So I will admit that Summer is winding down. I will accept that Autumn is actually still pretty wonderful. I will not jump ahead and be afraid of the internal darkness that winter brings to me. Instead, being present in this moment, in this day, in this season. I will not look forward in fear. I will attempt to absorb every single ray of sunshine that filters through the September sky. I have a little more peace today than I had a year ago. Knowing yourself more deeply brings that I think. It’s been a good journey from last October to the present, my sense of self is much stronger. I have been a much truer me than ever before.

If you disagree you could go back and read this post from about a year ago when I was feeling the weight of the impending Fall. As I reread the words I typed last August I really do feel lighter, there is much less of an impending-doom feeling. Last Autumn I did all of the Fall things and felt that I was forced out of Summer simply because we had to do them. I mean, why wouldn’t we? Over this year of adventuring though I have realized that I don’t need to jump into new activities due to a change in season. If I, and my people, are still finding joy and peace and we still have a love for what has been our life this Summer, we do not need to stop to accommodate the world.

It’s like Aldi. Are you familiar with Aldi? Well, when you are checking out at Aldi the cashier goes a hundred miles an hour. I really do find it amazing how fast they can scan everything in my cart. But it used to stress me out, I am not that fast, I can not get all of my groceries out of my cart, onto the belt that quickly . Plus I have littles talking to me, getting into the snacks on the side of checkout aisle, or bickering with one another. I used to feel that I was slowing them down, failing at meeting their goals for speed and efficiency. Well, one day it dawned on me-like, I am a customer-so if I can’t go that fast it’s still okay! They are not going to not take my money if they have to wait a few extra minutes while I switch my kid into the other cart or for me to dig my card out of my bag.

It used to stress me out to go to Aldi, this is how I felt about Autumn. I was not ready for it and so I was failing. Much like I realized that life will go on without me being a speedy grocery customer, I am realizing that if I need to ease into the upcoming season by still doing things from the previous one that is okay. I mean, it’s not like Autumn or Winter will kick me out if I don’t jump right into their activities on the date that everyone else does. I mean, if they did, that’d be cool too though.

Today I will be fully present in this glorious day that I feel is a gift from Heaven. There is nothing better than that. I will wander into Autumn as slowly as I please, adding in activities and adventures as I feel we are ready. Not rushing to give anything up, but being open to the opportunities as they come. I hope that you will take a moment or two to go slow this season, maybe we can even meet up there.

After Winter…Or, The Day We Bought a Camper

 

After all of my months of whining and complaining I feel it only fair to y’all who’ve stuck with me that I write something positive. Optimistically we have finally, FINALLY, met the end of this long winter! I know it seems silly to some of you, but this season broke me in new ways which I have recounted endlessly over the past few months, if you missed those posts, here and here are two for you to commiserate with.

Yesterday my littles and I were outside for the entire day, Friday we spent a few hours at  a park with our homeschool co-op. Today, once the sun rises high and the chill blows out with the wind, we’ll be back out there, digging into the dirt to find the depth of the frost. Moving compost, wondering over the warmth of the sun, which mere days ago seemed to give off a feeble heat at best. It’s about time. I am so grateful for the return of spring-like temperatures, and as I anxiously await the first rainstorm of the year, I realize that I have found my smile again.

Over this winter as I wondered how I would make it through, how I could hold-out until the weather turned, I proposed this off-the-wall idea to my husband. It was something that had been bouncing around in my head for quite some time but really seemed unrealistic. I had thought about roadschooling our littles, but with older children, a house, a yard, a need for full time income and insurance, more…getting the eff out of this frigid state seemed far-fetched. Nah, it seemed completely insane. One day I did it though, I actually said out loud; “What if we bought a camper?”.

 

My sweet husband has made many jokes about living in a camper. He has questioned my desire and where it comes from. He may indeed, think I’ve lost my damn mind, though he’s never said that exact thing. Instead, he picked up the search. He started researching, took us all to look at travel trailers, learned about how much weight his truck could haul. He has made my crazy dream a possibility by backing a thirty-five-foot trailer into our suburban driveway. We have our first outing planned in two weeks and I can not wait! While we are only hauling across town to figure out what we don’t know I feel like it is the first step down the right path.

So new adventures will begin. I realize all too well that camping costs money, while there are free places to stay mostly we are going to have to get creative if there are extensive trips in our future, and I hope that there are. I don’t want to have a camper solely for Summertime getaways. No, what I want is to have a camper so that I can get away to the Summer when Winter is in full force here. One of the more difficult tasks on our list proved to be finding a place that would stay plowed out so that we could hook up and drive South in January. How to do that though is more difficult than just finding an accessible storage facility, perhaps I’ll have to figure out how to write a blog that earns me a few bucks each month, though my understanding of how that works is pretty limited. Plus, I’m guessing a few more people would actually have to read what I have to say, and my opinions are definitely not for everyone.

I’ve claimed the gypsy spirit many times in my writing and I suppose it’s never been more true than in this new direction laid before me. We now have the means to go. To just go, like, anywhere. Over the next several months we hope not only to perfect our abilities to set up and enjoy camp. I will learn how to pull and back up our trailer so that I can go adventuring by myself if there is a desire to do so. We will not only master working together to level the trailer, but we will find a balance that works for us and our littles, we will work out all of the kinks. More than that though I hope to hear my inner voice clearly, to listen not just to my own spirit, but to the whispers that God has put in my soul. To hear, to pray, to follow His leading more closely. I think I am in a good mental place to do that now and I have no doubt that the physical places we are led to will allow the vision God has for us to be seen with fresh eyes.

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This seems a lot like running away. I hear it as I reread what I’ve written. If you’ve hung around my blog long enough though (for an example, read here), you’ll know that something I do well is wandering, my peace is found not only with dirt under my nails, but also with the road humming beneath my wheels. I choose to not see it as running from home, but rather, running to it. I don’t look at it as avoiding my life, but more fully living it. I know what everyone tells you; get married, work hard, buy a house, make some babies…those things are good and they are what we are supposed to be striving toward. I don’t think we’re all cut out for that though. Some of us, maybe, aren’t meant to stay in one place for all of our days.

I’d be a liar if I told you I didn’t long for a garden every day that I didn’t have one. A piece of earth to create on is something I could not live happily without, there was always this sadness when I thought about the plants I walked away from all of those years ago. Even now, while I have lilies and roses and cosmos again, I can still see the pumpkin patch and smell the earth in the flower beds that I dug. I can still remember planting seeds on Spring evenings. I can still feel the sweat from hauling water and pulling weeds on hot Summer mornings. These memories won’t leave me, they sometimes ask me where I went and why I didn’t take them along…is that crazy? Some of you may not get it, I’m thankful to love a man who does, or at least a man who trusts me enough to let me be a teensy bit crazy.

What do I do with that? Can I walk away from a yard full of five summers of hard work? Can I give this garden to someone else, knowing full well that I won’t have one for who knows how long? Can I even be happy without a place to call my own? I don’t have those answers today. Because today the weather is warm, my feet are dirty and my heart is full, it’s difficult to walk away from it in the Summer. Winter winds will blow again though. When they do, they will force me indoors to snuggle with my family, feeling the weight of their immense chill deep in my bones. As much as I want to forget that Winter exists, I must use it as my motivation this Summer. My reminder that all cities have gardens, that I can dig in the earth and leave it more beautiful no matter where we go. There is a freedom in thinking about making more of creation a little better, instead of simply my own small square of it.

Of course there are other concerns, things to consider if we are really and truly going to drive away. Those major decisions can wait though. For today, for this season, I only want to get out and explore, to decide if we can live together in such a small space peacefully. To see if we could possibly enjoy each other enough to go about life in this wild and somewhat unheard of way. I feel the call to it, to this one wild and crazy life. I will listen carefully and move slowly, knowing in the very deepest part of me that there is no destination in this life,  believing that there is only the journey.

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Living in the Arctic Circle…No, Really.

What if I don’t want to friends? Several people, over that last couple of weeks have told me that I should simply embrace this cold, that I should enjoy this long winter. They have suggested that I take up snow-shoeing or cross-country skiing. That I should buy warmer clothes, wear the snow pants. That all of this cold and misery causes us to enjoy the short summer more. This is messed up logic y’all!

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If the summer was longer; I would be out there! All of the days that are warm, all of the days that the sun is shining, all of the days that drip with humidity and heat! I would not be longing for cool weather or waiting for the first snow to fall, I’d be soaking in the sunshine, digging in the dirt, splashing in the water! I would not have to anticipate summers arrival because it would have already arrived. I’d be there! I did try to have a reasonable attitude this year, but winter has been unreasonable in response. There has been snow and cold in seven of the past twelve months…why do I live here?!?

I’d love to tell you that I’m trying to tie this rant about coldness to some deeper meaning thought…but I’m not. This is simply me ranting. Aren’t you glad I have access to so many people via this blog? We had these crazy long icicles hanging from our deck-side roof, some of them exceeded two feet in length. After yet another recent snow, and a day of children playing out there, it looked like a small herd of unicorn lay sleeping on our deck under a pristine, white blanket.

 

Today it is melting, but there is so much more cold, wet, miserable snow in our forecast that I just cannot even! One of my bright, sweet girls reminded me that, “God has a reason for all things…”.  I sarcastically, and honestly, replied to her that the only reason I could see for God allowing this relentless winter was to convince me to move away from it! I have no #winterjoy. The depression only deepens and the sadness overwhelms and my own drama makes me want to gag.

I know what needs to happen, big wheels have been set in motion, I will not do this sulking again for the length of an entire Minnesota winter. It’s just not in me. Stay tuned dear friends, the heat of Summer will return!